these are messages I wanted to send to you but didn’t. these haven’t been edited in any way except for spelling. i wanted to edit them but didn’t, to preserve the sanctity. I am 100% sober. all time stamps are accurate.
it is 3:57 am and I’m trying to learn how to stop loving you.
it is 3:58 am and I’m staring across the street at a house with the lights still on. I wish it was our house and I’m imagining that we’re on the couch, drunkenly giggling at tarantino movies.
it is 3:59 am and I just burned myself on my cigarette but it doesn’t come close to the pain of knowing you’re hundreds of miles away and there’s probably someone else in your bed.
it is 4:00 am and I’m wondering why I still love you.
it is 4:00 am and I know why I still love you.
it is 4:01 am and I’m burning the filter and I can’t even stub out the flame because there’s nothing left to burn.
it is 4:02 am and I want to know why you stubbed me out.
it is still 4:02 am and I know you put me out because I burned you beyond the filter and set you on fire.
it is 4:05 and I am a fire hazard, but only to you. I didn’t mean to set you ablaze and I really only wanted to love you but I turned you to ash when I left and now I wish I could watch you rise from your remnants and love me again.
it is 4:06 am and I wish I hadn’t rung my new year in with you walking in and then watched you walk out a few months later.
it is four o seven in the morning on october fourteenth, two thousand fourteen and I love you more than I ever have and I’m sorry that’s it’s probably because I can’t have you.
it’s 4:08 am and I love you because you’re the only one who ever realized that my expiration date is up to me. and that makes me want to extend it.
it’s 4:11 am and I want to love you but you don’t love me back and I wish I could reach over to grab your hand while you sleep and I’d fall back into my dreams and wake up to your hair in my face and my back pressed into you.
it is 4:20 am and why am I not in your bed instead of her and why can’t I be pretty or happy or stable enough for you
4:21 all I want is to be enough for me and have some left for you, just please love me
4:22 I know why you won’t love me and I’m sorry that I can’t be there when you need me. I’m sorry I fucked up and I’m sorry you fucked up and I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
4:23 I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
it’s nine minutes later and I’m still sorry.
4 fucking 40 am and I’m in so much pain because I wish I didn’t fuck up with you.
it’s 4:52 and my finger was hovering over the little blue phone outline next to your name for twelve minutes.
at 5:04 I was wondering why I couldn’t sleep and I think it’s
5:05 because you’re a poison that’s burrowed itself in my brain through my bloodstream. you’ve taken up residence and I can’t sleep and I can’t eat even though I’m tired and I’m hungry
5:08 why are you doing this to me what did I do to deserve this I’m sorry please make this
it’s 5:10 and you’re embedded in me like a shitty tattoo done with a sewing needle and bic ink in the back of a car awash in the glow of alcohol and bad decisions. you were a poison to me, like alcohol. but I still can’t decide whether o
5:11 r not you were a bad decision.
it’s 5:13 and I don’t know if I’m real.
5:28 please hold my hand or at least pretend that you wish you could
it’s 5:15 pm and I still feel like I
5:16 did twelve hours ago.
two minutes later and I want to know why you don’t love me.
5:20 I just read over this entire debacle of a poem and I made myself cry. will it make you cry??
5:23 pm - did you even read this?? did it make you cry?? please don’t cry. I only want you to be eternally happy. I want you to coincidentally be ha
5:24 ppy and with me. but if it can’t be, so be it. so be it.
thirteen hours and twenty seven minutes later, I still love you. and I’m sorry.